PAP SCANDAL UNFOLDS!

Hot on the heels of the Dr. Vincent Wijaysinghe smear campaign perpetrated by Dr. Vivian Balakrishnan comes a game-changing scandal involving several PAP MPs including Dr. Vivian himself. I, Meena Curren am the reporter who uncovered this heinous, scandal and now I fear for my well-being with the burden of my discovery. I’m currently in a safe house, guarded by plain-clothes Ninjas, some under-paid, moonlighting Gurkhas and 2 Opposition Super Friends, after uncovering a series of incriminating pictures in Cyberspace that threaten to topple the ruling party after 50 years of unfettered rule.

Just 1 week ago, while doing extensive research on Google (first 2 pages actually), I found a collection of lascivious pictures of PAP MPs and suddenly a horrifying pattern emerged that shook me to my core. I immediately came to the chilling realisation I alone, at that moment, held the fate of the almighty PAP in my hands.

While heavily sedated and suffering from paranoid episodes, I invited several experts in photography forensics, body-language consultants, reformed chekopek uncles, hormonal pimply school boys and a butch man-lady to a secret location to analyse the photos and within minutes of viewing the pictures, a deathly collective shiver passed through the entire group at Ang Mo Kio Central Macdonalds Restaurant.

The verdict was unanimous and every one of us collectively agreed the pictures told a precise story that casts our leaders in an entirely new light. I publish the collective statements of the panel of experts I assembled so that you the public, may personally appreciate the depth and dire consequences of this scandal of unprecedented horror. We must firstly acknowledge the depravity, second – address it and lastly prevent this diabolical plan from consuming Singapore!

I also include the pictures of the perpetrator MPs and I’m sure every intelligent Singaporean can see the MPs in question are irrevocably guilty beyond reasonable doubt.

OUR STATEMENT

We call attention to the randy, suggestive pictures of MPs concerned to be upfront about their Chekopek motives. Are you part of some cheeky middle-age secret coven and is this pose, not some secret club sign indicating your predilection for squeezing chesticular regions of well-endowed women such as myself – Meena Curren?

If re-elected, will you “be pursuing this fetish in the political arena” thereby endangering every woman upwards of a C-cup persuasion? The evidence is overwhelming. Clearly there is an unmistakable pattern! A “Chekopek agenda”.

It is apparent from the study of the leer and mouth-shape of the leader of this secret sect, one Mah Bow Tan, that he is saying “I want a nice mango-shaped pair to toggle and tweak today”.

All your Chekopekness is not the issue, but the pictures raise the question if you will encourage chekopekness in the political arena. We’d like you to state your position on the matter.

Dr Vivian’s picture implies he likes his doodahs spaced fairly wide apart while Dr Ng Eng Hian seems to favour melons in a lopsided configuration. Mr Teo Chee Hian clearly prefers tubular inward facing knockers. Mr George Yeo leans towards sagging waist-slung tatas. And lastly and perhaps most macabre, S.Iswaran’s fetish is the cyclops uni-Boober.

Latest Update – The Google office in Singapore reported a John Tan dressed fully in white, showed up with masking tape covering a blue and red logo on his shirt, demanding the removal of all Chekopek MP pictures from the web. To be rid of him, Google staff pretended to delete a few pictures and John Tan left mumbling, “Have to suppress, have to suppress”.

Recommendation – We demand a Committee of Enquiry be set up to to investigate this matter thoroughly. A budget of $100k should be set aside for the process but should it balloon to $350k , in our minds, it’s worth it even if this accusation we are levelling is totally frivolous and ludicrous. In our minds, it’s worth it just for the hell of it. Even if these funds could be allocated to the hungry, what’s important is the fleeting publicity this will bring me and my panel of experts and the casting of the Chekopek Tetek Fondlers in a negative light. Job done!

Meena Curren

Sodoked News Agency

Writer’s Comments :

Political Satire shouldn’t require an explanation but I will in this case. I wrote this piece to express the indignation and sense of absurd insult perpetrated on not just Dr. Vincent Wijeysingha but every single Singaporean as well. To conjure up and spin such a malicious smear campaign with so little damning material is simply unforgivable.

The Main Stream Media is as guilty as VB in not taking a more neutral stand in condemning this unhealthy brand of gutter Politics. VB has known this all along. To him, it’s job well done. Any place else and this little dirty trick would have spelt the end of VB’s political career simply from the Media’s fair and honest assessment and reporting of his divisive, unethical, repellent stunt.

So I too can take a random collection of innocuous pictures and spin a tale of scandal and intrigue. Having said that, to be safe, I shall strap my chest down tightly if I ever pass within 50 metres of these Chekopek Uncles.